


Zero to One Hundred

by grapenight



Category: South Park
Genre: Blow Jobs, Drug Use, M/M, Podcast, Recreational Drug Use, Strangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 12:41:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13590264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grapenight/pseuds/grapenight
Summary: "Speaking of horrifying, I went downtown this weekend," Craig started."Oh, this has to be good," Token said eagerly."Downtown is already horrifying," Jimmy added, shaking his head. Craig couldn't help but agree with him, especially after what had happened to him the previous weekend.On the podcast that Craig and his friends run, he tells a story about his wild night at a downtown bar.





	Zero to One Hundred

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on a story Gavin Free told on the Rooster Teeth Podcast. I'll post a link to the story in the end notes, go watch it after you read this, they're so much funnier than I am. Anyways, this fic is completely based on Gavin's story, with some changes at the end.
> 
> There are a few things I never write about. Drug use (except maybe weed) is definitely one of them, it makes me sad when characters in a story I'm reading are using hard drugs. I'm also not really big about writing about sex, I usually go for cuter fics. That being said, here is a fic solely about drugs and sex. Hopefully someone likes it, hahaha. (There's no explicit sex, though, it's just mentioned)

"Speaking of horrifying, I went downtown this weekend," Craig started. 

"Oh, this has to be good," Token said eagerly. 

"Downtown is already horrifying," Jimmy added, shaking his head. Craig couldn't help but agree with him, especially after what had happened to him the previous weekend. 

"The bar itself was pretty small inside, but outside they had a big lawn area, and there were a lot of people hanging around there, it was massive," Craig continued. "I had to pee, and I spotted one of the Porta-Potties in the back." 

Bebe groaned, shaking her head, "I can only imagine the state of that Pota-Potty, please don’t tell me you fell in or something." 

Craig laughed, "Not quite. The lock on the door was broken, but there was a line of people waiting, and they all sort of knew it didn't lock. I waited in that line for like twenty fucking minutes, because even though they were fairly busy, they only had the one Porta-Potty for everyone." 

"That's a nightmare," Clyde said, shuddering slightly. "Porta-Potties are gross enough when not used by hundreds of drunk strangers. Did you guys hear about that guy who got bitten in the dick by a spider in a Porta-Potty? That story haunts me to this day." 

"Shut up, Clyde, Craig was just getting to the good part of his story," Bebe said, resting her hand on Clyde's leg, which shut him up instantly. Craig took a mental note about that, and to save it use for future podcasts. Clyde loved to talk over people, it was a pain to get him to shut up, sometimes, but apparently Bebe had a gift for shutting him up. 

"So anyways, I finally get in there, and I'm doing my business, just taking a piss, and I was like 'I'm not worried about the door, all those people just watched me walk in.' That was probably my first mistake," Craig said, his eyes flicking toward the camera briefly. He couldn't believe he was about to tell this story on a podcast, of all places, one that built up a pretty steady fan base over the past few years, since he and his friends started it. 

"'First mistake' implies that there are more to come," Token observed. 

Craig nodded. He still had time to back out, and not spill this secret to the world. All in all, it was to funny not to share, though, and he'd never been one for holding back. "So I've been peeing for about two seconds, and someone barges in, and stands right next to me." 

"While you're fucking peeing?" Bebe gasped, while Jimmy cracked up with laughter, bending over in his seat. 

"Yes, he was very uncomfortably close. So here I am, peeing, and this stranged is right beside me, and he's like 'I've just got to do this in here, there's too many people, I've just got to do it in here.' And then he whips out this little thing of cocaine, and does a line of coke, right there." 

"Off of your dick?" Clyde asks. 

"No, but little coke nugs probably landed on my dick, I mean, he was right there. I was just thinking, 'oh my god, I don't even know where to start.' I was fucking livid, and he's still just standing beside me. I finished up my piss, and left, and then, what do you know, Coke Guy follows me out, and strikes up a conversation. He told me that he noticed I was uncircumcised, and he slides in a sly little mention that he's gay. And then, he says, 'you know, I've never sucked off an uncircumcised penis. Wanna head back in there and I'll blow you?'" 

"No fucking way," Token said, ecstatic from the whole story, his eyes gleaming. "Did you take him up on it?" He asked, clearly joking. 

"See, that's the thing, I'm standing there, and it's like, this has gone from zero to one hundred so fast," Craig said.

"That's what coke does," Jimmy remarked.

Craig continued with his story,"I'm so blown away at this point, but like, I don't want to be rude. So I think about it, and we'd have to cut back to the front of that long line just for me to get a blowie, from a freaky stranger. Can you imagine what everyone would say if we just waltzed back in there, together? There's no way I could do that. But, this dude seemed like a ton of fun, I couldn't imagine what his life was like, barging in on a stranger pissing and doing coke off their shoulder, then offering them a blowie because they're uncut? That's fucking wild. So I told him we'd have to wait in line again, because could you imagine both of us walking back in, cutting everyone, and saying, sorry, but he offered me a blowjob? No, but I was down, as long as we waited our turn, and were polite about it." 

His friends stared at him, their eyes wide with disbelief. He knew none of them thought he would actually take the guy up on his offer, and honestly Craig himself didn't see it coming, but in the moment, he decided to give it a try.

"You didn't actually let a strange b-b-b-blow you in a Porta-Potty, did you?" Jimmy asked. 

"I did," Craig replied simply. 

"Oh my god, Craig, oh my fucking god, I would have never tjought you'd actually take him up on his offer! Was he good?" Bebe asked. 

"He was as good as you could be in that situation. I was kind of drunk, and the whole situation had me so adrenaline filled, so it honestly didn't take much. Once we were done, he smiled at me and thanked me, can you believe it? His life must be absolutely wild, I'm jealous," Craig confessed. 

"What if you caught some kind of STI, oh shit, you were in the Porta-Potty, too, who knows what kind of gross thing was living in there," Clyde said, worried.

"You're honestly the only person I think I've ever met who would take up an offer like that," Token said. "That is out of this world." 

"The hashtag is going nuts right now," Jimmy said, scrolling through his phone, looking at the hashtag for their podcast. "Half of them are absolutely disgusted, and half of them are over the moon that Craig actually took him up on the offer." 

The rest of the podcast passed quickly, everyone to shocked by Craig's story to really talk about anything else. Craig knew it was wild, but it filled him with joy that his friends and their audience were so captured by his story. He was so happy he had actually taken the guy up on his offer, because the blow job really was fairly decent, despite the guy being high as hell. And the story he got from it was magnificent. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A couple weeks later, Craig stopped by a local coffee shop before he had to meet at the studio for the podcast that day. After his Porta-Potty BJ story, Clyde has made him get tested for STIs, even though he knew he was clean. Clyde woulnd't take no for an answer, so Craig had to give in. His results came back clear, as expected, and that was really the last he had heard from his friends about that night. They all only took about a week to move on and find something else to talk about. It turns out you can only say so much about your friend's weird blow job experience. 

Craig looked at his phone while he waited in line at the coffee shop, trying to find some interesting articles to talk about that night on the podcast, since he didn't have any personal stories that even came close to the one he had shared a few weeks prior. He only looked up when he reached the counter and was shocked to see someone vaguely familiar. 

"Holy shit," he exclaimed, nearly dropping his phone. "Uh. So um. Do you remember me?" 

It was Coke Guy. Porta-Potty BJ Guy. Standing in front of him, in the flesh, working at a coffee shop. He looked remarkably different from that night, wearing a green button down and an apron.The last time he had seen him, he had been wearing a black t-shirt, which was ripped on the collar, causing it to hang off one of his shoulders. His blonde hair was just as wild as it had been the night they met, though, but maybe slightly less big. His pupils weren't nearly as wide as they had been while he had been blowing him, so now he could see that they were a really pretty blue. Craig had always been a sucker for blondes with blue eyes. He looked down at his name tag, which said Tweek. What a strange, fitting name, for the boy who did coke while Craig was pissing and then gave him a blowjob. 

The other boy yelped, and covered his face with his hands. "Fuck, yes, I do remember you. Uh. Can you like. Fuck, can you take a seat?" 

Craig looked at him, puzzled, but before he could ask what Tweek meant, Tweek hurried to continue. 

"What do you want first, I'll make it for you, on the house, I just want to talk to you for a bit before you go. Please?" Tweek asked. 

"Okay." Craig said. He had nothing to lose, and any glimpse into this stranger's life was sure to be interesting. "Can I just have a medium latte?" 

"Coming up," Tweek answered, hurrying off to make the coffee. There was still a line of customers waiting to have their orders placed, but Tweek ignored them and called out, "Stan, come up and take some orders, I need a break, it's really imprtant, I'll tell you later." 

Craig found himself a seat at a small, two person table along the windows. He was a little proud that he was "really important" and couldn't help but wonder what Tweek had meant by that. 

He didn't have to wait long before Tweek came running out, steaming coffee in hand, "Here you go," he said, handing the cup off to Craig and taking the seat across from him. 

"Thank you," Craig said, observing Tweek. He was sitting down, yet still kind of bouncy, and obviously worked up, yet he was taking his time to say anything. 

"So. Uh. My friend's a big fan of your podcast," Tweek said finally, breaking the silence. 

It took Craig a second to wrap his mind around it. Shit. So Tweek knew who he was, and more than likely had heard him tell the story the other week. "Oh. Wow. I guess that means you might have heard the show from last week?" 

Tweek nodded. 

"Shit, I'm sorry, I'm such an asshole, I shouldn't have said any of that, I had no idea it would ever get back to you," Craig said, feeling like the world's biggest asshole. 

"Don't be sorry, you were way nicer about me than you should've been! I fucking barged in on you and did a line while you were using the bathroom. That's messed up. And then I offered you a blow job, in the PORTA-POTTY, oh jesus," Tweek laid his head on the table. 

"I shouldn't have take you up on your offer, that was stupid of me." 

Tweek's head shot back up, "Are you kidding? Sucking your dick was the highlight of my night, please don't be sorry." 

"Oh." Craig said, absolutely shocked. What was even happening at this point? 

"Yeah." Tweek replied. "I'm not like that all the time, I promise. I was just partying pretty hard this weekend. Uh. You probably already have an awful image of me, but I just wanted to let you know, that that isn't what I'm actually like, most of the time." 

"I thought it was fun. The half an hour I spent with you was an absolute blast," Craig confessed. 

"Really?" Tweek asked, a smile creeping onto his face. "Are you saying you're not absolutely terrified of me?" 

"I probably should be, but I'm definitely not. I think you're fascinating, really." 

Tweek chewed on his lip slightly before replying, and Craig was so tempted to lean in himself and soothe Tweek's lips with his own. 

"My blow jobs are a lot better when I'm sober," Tweek said, staring at Craig with a bit of mischief flickering across his eyes. 

"Oh, really?" Craig asked, leaning toward Tweek over the table. 

"Take me on a date sometime, and maybe you can see for yourself," Tweek teased, leaning in to meet Craig in the middle. 

Their lips met softly at first, much softer than Craig imagined a kiss with Coke, Porta-Potty BJ Guy would be. It was perfect for Tweek, the cute barista, though. 

Two hours later, when Craig showed up to the podcast, only ten minutes before it started, his lips were red and puffy, and he knew it wouldn't take long for one of his friends to give him shit about it. He was going to keep that part of the story to himself, for a little bit, at least.

**Author's Note:**

> [Porta-Potty BJ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guooewvTa6E)  
>  The link is an animated adventure of Gavin's story, go watch it! When I heard that story I was instantly inspired, haha, and even incorporated the podcast bit in. Hopefully you liked it, let me know what you thought. It's pretty different from the kind of things I usually write, but it was a lot of fun!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! If you want you can follow me on tumblr at [tinysquirtletrainer](http://tinysquirtletrainer.tumblr.com/)


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